I have never shared an account of my life so personal so publicly. I don’t wish to broadcast my thoughts in this way to receive some sort of credit out of arrogance. And posting this literally feels like cutting out a little piece of my heart and depositing it onto paper through words. That little piece of heart is still pulsing tender with conviction this morning. But because of the nature, I have chosen to share this intimate glimpse of my life in hopes of accountability. No other reason. And to say, hey, I struggle, and yeah, you’re not alone. Let’s lean on each other. Even more, let’s press into God together and seek his Counsel and Comfort. We’re all sinners saved by Amazing Grace.
So with a few discriminating edits and outtakes of personal details, here’s my heart:
“…I need to express it in words so that there is no question. I don’t want to do that because my heart is convicted. My soul begs the question, are my actions and decisions shining light in the darkness or blending in? Is my life as I decide to live it everyday shining the Light and the Truth of Christ or am I lighting a candle just to cover it up? My point is this, if I’m not living out my faith in a way that sets the light of Christ in the windowsill then what am I even doing this for? Lately my heart has been so convicted to start adding action to my faith, to live in obedience to Christ as he whispers in my heart and stop hushing his voice. I am deciding to make an active effort to live and love with intention and reflect Christ through my decisions not my fleshy, selfish desires. Yeah, my imperfections are there, I have cracks, I’m vulnerable, and I am going to stumble and fall short. But I’m going to give myself grace and dust off and try again and the next time I’m going to be more intentional. So here goes: when you asked me on the phone I gave a timid answer to your question. Here’s the bold decision that’s stirring in my heart: wherever we choose to go, I don’t want to go out and party bc it doesn’t say to those in my life – Hey she’s a chosen daughter of Christ set apart to be different from the rest, she’s an Esther for such a time as this, a star burning bright for the love of Jesus. I’m choosing to be intentional in my decision and listen to the conviction for obedience whispering in my heart. It may be small, but it’s a step of faith and it’s a step in the right direction. This has been a stumbling block for me for so many years, but this time I’m choosing different. This is my life. This is my time such as this. What am I going to do? How am I going to act? It’s all choices when it comes down to it. This time I want to choose what I know in my heart to be right and good and light.
…I had to share what is behind what I said on the phone earlier with no explanation. That’s my heart’s motivations.”